This is a sermon that continues in our Devotional: Becoming a People of Overflow, SURPRISE! 1 Peter You can watch more here.
The Hope in Marriage
Introduction
I think most of us would agree that our democracy seems to be mighty dysfunctional at this
point. We have two opposing visions for our country. Each side believes that it stands on higher
moral ground and the other side is dead wrong. Each side is trying to impose its will on the other.
Each side is convinced the other side must be defeated. What we have is the ultimate power
struggle. There is no listening to each other. There is no effort to understand the other side. There
is no empathy or reconciliation or compromise. How did ever we get here?
Maybe the problem is deeper than just on a national level. Because if you think about it, a lot of
the marriages in our society look like this as well. Husband and wife have different visions for
the family. Different views where the priorities should be, how kids should be raised, what is best
for the family. Each spouse is trying to impose his or her own vision. Each is striving to control
the interactions. Each is working to change the other. Marriage can devolve into an endless series
of power struggles.
But of course, not all marriages are like that. Just as there have been better functioning
government in other times, where the two sides listen to each other, where there is a sense of fair
play, where there are attempts at empathy and understanding, where there is compromise and
progress.
Likewise, there are better marriages, especially when the spouses are walking with the Lord.
There is empathy and love between the husband and wife. There is good communications and
thoughtful listening. There is willingness to sacrifice individual desires and to compromise on
personal priorities. We definitely can have and do have better functioning marriages.
But is that the ultimate goal for the husband and the wife? Is the fundamental purpose of
marriage to build a more loving and better functioning relationship?
You know the movie Matrix? Where the people are living in what they perceive as the real
world, but is actually a virtual reality generated by machines? There is a separate and ultimate
reality outside of the people’s lives.
I think there might be an applicable analogy here. We work on improving our marriages thinking
that is the main goal. When in truth there is a greater purpose for marriage. Because there is an
ultimate reality beyond what we experience in our daily lives.
Our passage for today points to that greater reality. And our awareness of that ultimate reality
can impact how we live as husbands and wives.
Before we look at our passage, let’s start with a word of prayer.
Our Living Hope
Before we look at the specific instructions to wives and husbands, we want to fully understand
the context of our passage. The Apostle Peter starts this epistle by saying the following:
Read 1 Peter 1:3–7 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to
His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus
Christ from the dead, 4 to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not
fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are protected by the power of God through faith for
a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for
a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your
faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be
found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;
In the letter’s introduction, Peter laid out his main point. That through the resurrection of Christ,
we have been born again into a living hope. Our hope is in an imperishable inheritance that is
being guarded in heaven by the power of God. Because we have this sure hope, we can rejoice
even as we suffer through various trials. In fact, the trials refine our faith, which will result in
glory and honor at the return of Christ. Peter was saying that we can see trials in a different light,
because of the future we can look forward to.
After stating his main point, Peter applied it to specific first-century applications. Peter exhorted
his readers to honor human institutions of government, even though those authorities were often
hostile to Christians. Peter told servants to submit respectfully to their masters, even those that
are unreasonable. Believers are to follow the example of Christ, who entrusted himself to his
heavenly Father even while he suffered unjustly.
In our passage today, Peter continued to his third example, which was marriage You might be
thinking, I thought we were talking about suffering under trials. How is marriage a trial?
If that’s what you are thinking, my guess is that you either have never been married or have not
been married for very long. Those of us who have more experience can tell you that marriage is
often trying, and marriage definitely refines our faith and builds our trust in God. Now marriage
for a woman in the first century was especially trying, because of the role and position of women
in ancient society.
First century society had a low view of women. There is a traditional morning prayer for Jewish
men that said, “Blessed are you, Lord our God, Creator of the Universe, who has not made me a
slave, a gentile, or a woman.” Being a slave is a terrible state, and Jews viewed gentiles
negatively. In addition, who would want to be a woman? No man of that time period.
This thinking was not restricted to Israelites. The biblical scholar, Paul Achtemeier, said about
the educated class of Greco-Roman society:
“Dominant among the elite was the notion that the woman was by nature inferior to the man.
Because she lacked the capacity for reason that the male had, she was ruled rather by her
emotions, and was as a result given to poor judgment, immorality, intemperance, wickedness,
avarice; she was untrustworthy, contentious, and as a result, it was her place to obey.”
Peter was not equating the husband-wife relationship to the master-servant relationship, because
he was applying living hope to different circumstances. At the same time, there were similarities
in the imbalance of power within both relationship types. Did you notice in the earlier message
that Peter gave instructions to the servant but not the master? Similarly in our passage, Peter
devoted 6 verses to the wife and only 1 verse to the husband. It was not because the master and
the husband were not in need of instruction. Rather, Peter was focusing on the members in the
relationship who were more disadvantaged. They were the ones who had greater need to trust
God under suffering. They were also the ones representative of the early church as a whole.
Christians in general trusted God as they suffered under political and social persecution.
Our views on gender relationship have progressed to the point, we forget that for the vast
majority of human history, the wife had been viewed as subservient and inferior to the husband.
We have to be clear about something, we are not being called to return to the marriage structure
of NT times. We can’t argue that first-century marriages should be the biblical model for modern
family any more we can argue that first-century slavery should be the biblical model for modern
employment.
Peter was not addressing the rightness or wrongness of servitude and marriage relationships of
his society. He was encouraging the servants and the wives to live with heavenly hope even
when subjected to unjust masters or husbands. And the basic principles apply to all of us, who
are called to trust God when we experience suffering
With this context in mind, let’s look first at Peter’s instructions to wives within the early church.
Instructions of Hope for the Wife
Read 1 Peter 3:1–2 1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that
even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior
of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Peter began these instructions by saying, wives be submissive to your own husbands. First of all,
I wonder whether our present age, “submissive” is the best English term for translating the
original Greek word. The meaning of words shifts over time, and because of how it’s used in
certain contexts in our society, the meaning of submissive can include the idea of being passive
and allowing yourself to be controlled by others. The word submissive has taken on negative
connotations which were not present in the original Greek word.
The basic meaning of the Greek text is, wives, subordinate yourself to your own husbands. The
call is for the wife to put themselves in a position subordinate to the husband, not to dominate
him or to rule over him. There is no connation of being passive. Rather, it is an active and
deliberate decision to place oneself in a secondary position. Not because of fear for the husband,
but because of a Christian wife’s desire to please the Lord.
In addition, not inherent in the meaning in the Greek word is loss of control. Granted, in the fst
century, being a wife in and of itself meant lack of control. A wife had no personal legal standing
or right of ownership apart from her husband. But subordination does not demand abandonment
of all control, especially in our society where women have different standing legally, socially,
and economically.
So what is the applicable principle of Peter’s words? First of all, the command for the wife to
subordinate herself to the husband does not appear to be time or cultural bound. It continues to
apply to us today. The same instructions appear elsewhere in the NT and the reasoning is based
on timeless theological truths. The wife is to be subordinate to the husband as the church is
subordinate to Christ (Eph 5:24) and as Christ is subordinate to the Father (1 Cor. 11:3).
However, this does not imply that the wife is in any way of less value or less capable, just as
Christ is not inferior to the Father in any way. It does mean that there is a functional order
instituted by God. We instinctively equate higher functional position with higher ability and
value, because we are conditioned by our governmental and corporate structures. But that is not
the case in God’s economy. In fact, it is usually the one in the lower functional position who
receives greater honor from God.
Secondly, we should remember that the principle of subordination does not necessarily manifest
itself in the same way in our time as in Peter’s time. Unquestioned obedience and complete
dependence of the wife might not be unusual at a time of the early church. However, it would be
very out of place in our culture today. So how might the voluntary subordination of the wife look
like today? I think that does depend on individual families and marriages. Sometimes we like
clear direction, but the Bible gives general principles. So that we must seek guidance and depend
on the Holy Spirit to live out God’s word. But maybe I can use an analogy from the corporate
setting to illustrate possible application.
I mentioned before that my wife and I started a company that manufactured yogurt. We worked
together on this start-up until we had our first child, when my wife devoted her time fully to raise
our kids. We hired a very capable woman straight out of graduate school, Claudia. As the
company developed, Claudia really grew her business and leadership skills. Over time, I was the
president of the company and Claudia was the vice president. She was mainly the one who ran
the daily operations, solved the different problems, worked closely with all the people.
There was a functional difference in our roles. I was the president, which meant that I was often
the one leading the staff meetings, having the final say in the strategic direction of the company,
making the speeches in company-wide meetings, and meeting the key customers. But in truth,
she was the one doing all the important work of managing the people and keeping the company
running.
We had a very good working relationship. We always discussed things openly and listened to
each other and respected each other’s views. And naturally, we did not agree on every decision.
But the funny thing is, when we have differences, she very rarely contradicted me in public or in
group discussions. At the same time, we rarely ended up doing what I first thought we should do.
Why, because we would have discussions in private. Because she was actually much closer to the
business details and the people issues, more often than not, she was able to convince me why her
plan of action makes more sense. Also, because her decisions have proven to be better so often in
the past, I am ready to follow her plan whenever I have doubts about my own. I was the head,
but Claudia actually had the greater impact on operations and success of our company.
The funny thing is, things basically run the same way in my family. I’ve had more than enough
past experiences to know that my wife is more perceptive, more sensible, and more in tune with
family members than I am. I have learned through repeated lessons that when we differ in our
views on a course of action, her choice is much more likely to be the better one. And you know,
it is hard on the male ego. But do you know how many bad decisions in human history can be
attributed to the male ego? I know for a fact, that our family and our kids are in a so much better
place than we would be if we had always followed my decisions.
The husband is to be the head. This implies that he is actively involved in the management and
direction of the family. He shares responsibility for the well-being and spiritual state of the
family. The wife subordinating to the husband means involving him in daily family life, listening
respectfully to him, supporting him in decision-making. It does not mean unilateral rule by the
husband or passive loss of control by the wife. In our present age, the husband-wife relationship
should look much more like a president-vice president model than a master-servant one.
The passage brings up an additional reason for the wife to subordinate herself. So that even if the
husband is disobedient to the word, he can be won over without a word. Disobedient to the word
is used by Peter to mean rejecting the gospel. So even when the husband is a nonbeliever, the
wife should subordinate herself, by not trying to convince through argumentation, but by living
out the gospel through her chaste and respectful behavior. The wife subordinating herself means
not imposing her will through her arguments. Peter expands on this further in the following
verses.
Read 1 Peter 3:3–6 3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and
wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the
imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. 5 For in
this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves,
being submissive to their own husbands; 6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and
you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
Peter instructed wives to focus not on external adornments like hair style, jewelry or clothing.
Peter was not prohibiting such things but contrasting the transient nature of external adornments
to the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit. He explained that the hidden person of the
heart is what God values. People look at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart (I
Sam 16:7). Jesus described himself as gentle and humble in heart (Matt. 11:29). A gentle and
quiet spirit is precious to God because it reflects the Christ-like person that God is shaping all
Christians to become.
My parents in Taiwan have a neighbor, who was once an attractive young women. As she aged
she got plastic surgery to restore her youthful looks. The more she aged, the more procedures she
underwent. In her case, it seems to have become an addiction, an unending battle against time, to
maintain the external appearance that is by nature transient.
I contrast that with my wife. I tell her that she looks more and more beautiful to me every single
day. And I am totally honest about it. You might ask how that can be, because everyone ages. But
I can’t even distinguish what is external and what is internal, all I see is her growing more Christ-
like over time, and at the same time, more and more radiant and beautiful in every way. I see the
whole person when I look at her.
Peter then points to examples of holy women of earlier times, who served as examples of
subordinating themselves to their husbands, not because their husbands were wiser or more
capable, but because they hoped in God. In particular, Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him
lord. Now a wife calling her husband lord might seem extreme to us, but was not unusual at that
time. The word lord can refer to God, but it also can refer to a master or guardian, which accurate
reflected the expected husband-wife relationship in that culture. Similarly, the term baal in
Aramaic, referred to the Canaanite god, as well as to a master or a husband. By calling Abraham
lord, Sarah trusted God and obeyed her husband. Peter said that wives become Sarah’s children,
meaning that they follow in her footsteps of trusting God, if they also do what is right without
fear.
Wives in the early church had reasons to fear because they are in a disadvantaged position. They
are dependent on their husbands and may be harmed by their foolish or wicked acts. But God
watches out for the suffering ones, God honors the ones who are disadvantaged, God loves that
people trust him. A wife subordinating herself is ultimately not an act to please the husband, but
an act of trust and dependence on God, a decision to hope in God, a choice to please God. That
truth applies both to the first century as well as the twenty-first century.
How do these instructions apply today? Wives today may also have fears subordinating
themselves to their husband. What if the husband insists on a course of action that is not ideal for
family finances? What if the husband persists in habits that do not set the best example for the
kids? What if the husband has deficient manners that embarrass the wife in public? What if the
husband have eating habits that is not best for his health?
Well, Peter said that the wife should avoid directing the husband through her words, even in a
matter as serious as obeying God’s word. Would not that injunction also apply to more minor
matters as well? I don’t mean that husbands and wives cannot discuss matters in a loving and
supportive manner. But persistent correction is not reflective of a subordinating spirit.
Avoiding verbal correction and maintaining a quiet spirit can be a fearful for a wife. It means
giving up control. It may mean less desirable outcomes for the family. It is helpful to remember
that our ultimate goal is not to build the optimal family or marriage or husband. There is a
greater purpose. God is shaping both the wife and the husband through the institution of
marriage, to make us more like Christ, to help us grow our faith, to prepare us to glorify him.
And in his wisdom, God has determined that the better path is not to have the wife maintain
control, but to have her let go and trust him. And through those trials, lead her to be more like
Christ, and quietly influence those around her to become so as well.
Let’s continue with our passage.
Instructions of Hope for the Husband
Peter has only one verse of instruction for the husband. But it is a shocking one.
Read 1 Peter 3:7 7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way,
as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace
of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Peter said that the husband is to live with wife in an understanding way, because she is weaker as
a woman. Nowhere in the Bible are women described as weaker spiritually, intellectually or
emotionally. The primary meaning here is that the wife is weaker physically, strength-wise,
which is not an insignificant deficiency during a time when there is still much physical violence
and when strength is often required for self-preservation. There can also be the connotation that
the woman is in a weaker position status-wise, as she has little power socially or legally apart
from the husband. God demonstrates throughout the biblical narrative that he supports and cares
for those who are weaker. Fixing one’s eyes on the living hope of the Lord means that the
husband should follow in God’s example.
Thus, the husband is to support and care for the wife in an understanding way, literally, with
knowledge. With knowledge of her disadvantaged position as a woman in that society and with
knowledge of what she needs for emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. The implication
is that the husband would not only know about her needs but would make those needs a priority
in his life.
I think many of the husbands here would agree that we often fall short of living with our wives
with understanding. It can be because we do not devote enough energy, attention, and prayer to
understand and to minister to our wives.
Furthermore, Peter exhorted the husbands to show wives honor as a fellow heir of the grace of
life. An heir is a high position in that society. And the wife is to honored as a fellow heir, an
equal heir of God. This shatters the mold of the ancient point of view, where the man is
universally assumed to be worthy of greater honor. Equality in honor was a radical perspective at
that time. It started with Jesus, who honored women consistently, such as in how he treated the
Samaritan woman at the well, how he healed the woman who bled for many years, how he
complemented the faith of the Canaanite woman, how he defended Mary of Bethany in anointing
his feet, how he appeared first to Mary Magdalene after his resurrection.
The apostles followed Jesus lead, teaching repeatedly that there is no difference between men
and women before God. It’s no wonder many women joined the early church. It was the only
place where they were not viewed as second-class citizens. From our 21 st century perspective, we
often overlook how radically pro-women were Jesus and his disciples in their society. Peter
instructs husbands in the church to act as radically, as counter-culturally in their marriage, to
honor their wives as co-heirs, as equals, before God.
Remember how we said that application of biblical principles often looks differently in our
present world? This is definitely true here. Because if we apply this instruction the same way as a
first-century husband, we would ompletely lose the radical nature of the command. Most of us
have already been raised to see women as equals. To capture the spirit of this command, we need
to apply God’s words much more radically. In the passage on humility, Philippians 2:3
commands us to regard one another as more important than ourselves. Applying Peter’s words
radically would mean that we consider our wives more important than the NFL game on Sunday
afternoons and Sunday evenings and Monday nights and Thursday nights. It means de-
prioritizing our hobbies and interest. It means we stop working excessive hours in our jobs. That
would be a radical and proper application of these words.
So practically, what does showing honor to our wives look in our daily lives. Do you know what
is not honoring our wive? Passive disengagement is not honoring our wives. We already said that
it can be difficult for wives to let go of control. We are not honoring her or supporting God’s
work in her if we just throw up our hands. “OK, we will do whatever you say. Resistance is
futile.” Resignation and withdrawal is not treating her as a fellow heir valued by God. We honor
our wives by remaining engaged and involved in the functioning and decision-making of the
family. We learn to discuss differences in a respectful, non-demanding, non-defensive, non-
passive-aggressive manner, even when our wives are not helping us in this process. Because it is
through such challenging conversations that God teaches us about patience and forgiveness and
sacrificial love.
Also, we honor our wives by living lives worthy of the headship God calls us. We lead through
our personal integrity, through our commitment to prayer and God’s word, and through our love
for Jesus. We become worthy of their subordinating themselves when Christ is living through us.
There is one more point I would like to bring up. Notice that the first 6 verses of this passage are
addressed only to the wife. Peter urge wives to voluntarily subordinate themselves. Peter did not
give husbands the responsibility to make sure wives submit.
I don’t think it is ever the place for the husband to argue for greater submission from the wife.
Just as there is no place for the minimum wage employer to argue against the need to raise
minimum wage, or for the person giving less than 10% to argue that there is no biblical
command to tithe, or for the non-black person to argue that blacks do not face racism in America.
As fallen people, our perspectives are invariably tainted by self-interest and the desire to justify
ourselves. When we have not lived in someone else’s shoes, we cannot comprehend the
circumstances the person faces. If a husband think it is his duty to improve his wife, it behooves
him to remember Jesus’s question of why you see the speck in another’s eye and not notice the
log in your own eye.
So what happens if our wives do not subordinate themselves? We too can work on winning them
over without words and with the gentle and meek spirit we see in Christ. Because this passage is
ultimately not about building better functioning families. It is about God shaping us to be more
like Christ through our marriage.
That’s why the verse ends with the warning that not honoring our wives would hinder our
prayers. Because if we are not honoring our wives, we are not aligning ourselves with God’s
heart for those placed in subordinate positions. We are not cooperating with God in his shaping
us to be like Christ. We are not trusting God to care for our own needs while we put someone
else first. Not walking with God affects how we pray, as well as how God responds. Keeping our
eyes on the greater reality means trusting and following God, as he responds to our prayers and
grow our faith.
Conclusion
Remember how I said that our lives may be like the Matrix movie? Well, it is actually different
in an important way. In the Matrix, the creators of the virtual reality were malicious machines.
They do not want humans to know about the ultimate reality. Because that would cause them to
act differently, to try to alter the code and defeat the machines.
In contract, God is a good and loving creator. He does want us to be aware of the ultimate reality
above our earthly lives. Because awareness of the greater reality also causes us to act differently.
Fixing eyes on the living hope allows wives to subordinate themselves willingly and joyfully to
their husbands, because they recognize that they are trusting themselves to God. Aligning hearts
to the Lord allows husbands to radically honor their wives, the way God loves to honor those
placed in subordinate positions. Both husband and wife can recognize that marriage is a
preparation stage for the life to come, to build our faith, to shape our Christ-likeness, to prepare
us to bring greater glory to our Lord.
Our ultimate purpose is not in building a better marriage. Marriage is a training ground to
prepare us to glorify God. As the same time, as God shapes us through our marriages, our
marriages also become better-function, more loving, more selfless, more communicative, better-
functioning. These blessings the overflow from the transformation that God is working within
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